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Time for another leap

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I guess its been a year.

It wasn’t the perfect choice. But I guess that is to be expected from a character like me. It was a better year though and it still is. I’ve been pursuing a dream and I’ve been reaping small rewards recently which is motivating and yes–fulfilling.

But last year wasn’t a perfect choice. It’s fine for now but I won’t settle there. Last year has been peaceful and it is until now. I was given the time to heal and slow things down. I gained some confidence I lost from previous bastard years. I’ve met another set of good and freaky people. I’ve encountered another “world” with a whole different perspective on work and life in general. So I guess I need to experience this–as preparation for much more better things to come.

And hopefully this time I’ll meet more like-minded people to make life more bearable. Another good thing this year is that, I don’t have to dwell with all sorts of “tussies”–just normal functioning women who don’t see the need of using their body or using flirt methods to rise up the ranks. That’s a real breather.

The blind follower

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About more than 50 days ago, I was sitting inside a church in Wuerzburg most sought through the years by pilgers. I was in that place for a reason and that church, I remember telling myself, is a place I need to visit at all costs. Forget about the other tourist attractions but this place is a must. I do not really have a concrete answer for the whys and my relationship with the religion I was born into is also not that outstanding in the eyes of the faithful. I do remember feeling that I need to go there and vent about my feelings and hoping, by merely sitting in front of the altar filled with written prayers from people all over the world, to at least project a picture of the me that has been and had not. Like, it could be a perfect medium to communicate with the heavens for someone like me — a disoriented soul. And by grace, everything seemed to be rearranged from above in order to realize this plan.

It is just hard to understand sometimes why things happen the way they do. Why you landed on certain opportunities and wonder what’s the imperfection all about. Or why meet a certain person only to know that a given situation won’t even give you a chance to spend some time with this person more. Or why often meet people who practically lands on opportunities you wanted so bad, only to see or hear them take it for granted while you on the other hand would probably trade places with that person at all costs.  Then you end up having that sarcastic laugh trying to figure out what’s the joke is all about.

Then you let the thought go, shrugged your shoulders, say what the heck, try to accept what is and hope to move on. Then you feel better for some time, land on another opportunity again and wonder behind the imperfections, if there is a something great coming out of this one day.

More than 50 days ago, I sat there trying to make a connection about my life.  I sat there asking what in the world did he created me for. Because I am really not seeing any sense. Yes, while other people are busy goin to discos, busy getting hooked up, or busy about their kids, or busy with parties, work, sports etc, here I am always contemplating about my existence that doesn’t seem to have a purpose. I’m tired of being used by people. I do get tired from time to time simply being nice.

More than 50 days ago, I asked for a sign. A few days after an opportunity whose “the making” sounds absurd at all angle came into my lap. I don’t want that opportunity but I said yes and took it. Because I asked for a sign and I wanted to try being guided by my faith this time.

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I love my garden especially my roses. Garden plants are wonderful gifts from above. They reward your hard work, care and love for them by seeing them grow their leaves and blossoms with such intense color — a difference you won’t miss if compared with other plants left around untended on poor conditions. They will reflect your love. They know how to express gratitude for taking the time to know their needs especially if the conditions are not ideal from their “birthplace”. The same goes for animals. I wish I can say the same for people.

Re-mirrorring

If my imagination could kill, I have killed him a thousand times now. Oh how I hate this now ex-colleague of mine. I wanted him to burn into ashes. I wanted to skin him alive. Then maybe, just maybe he will realize and feel what it is like to inflict unnecessary emotional pain to those whose only sin is passionately enjoying what they do at work.

Yes, I am blaming him. I wanted to blame him over and over for destroying all the hard work I have done trying to rebuild my lost years. I summon justice. How come his evil prayers are answered? What right does he have to destroy others just because he has bills to pay and has a f*cking daughter to feed? What right does he have to crush our hoping souls?

I tried to forget. I tried to forgive. I tried to let him win.
And the glaring truth is — I am blaming myself more. I am blaming myself for allowing a dimwit like him crush my soul. I am angry at myself for constantly repeating his tactless judgment in my brain—that I am nothing and can do nothing–I’ll never be successful because I am just a foreigner. I am angry at myself for constantly finding proofs that this is true.

This has got to stop. Now.
Shoot you.

As you go…

Dear 2012,

It’s been two days since you left. I can still remember how I asked 2011 what you have in store for me. Now as I look back one last time, I realized that you brought a lot of promises as well as disturbances in my life. Yes, a real roller coaster ride. You made my heart thumped wild a lot of times and wild as it was, so confused I become. You made me question my life, my beliefs, my principles. You tried to show me some truths about the people I surround myself with. You questioned my identity, my status and my choices. Those days where I didn’t shed a tear were numbered. So many times I longed for drastic changes, yet I don’t have the courage to take that first big step. At some point all I wanted then is to bury them in sleep where I feel a sort of freedom–freedom from facing responsibilities and confronting my fears. You also sent me some real challenging people to deal with–some of them gave me hope, some made me cry, some are unwanted heartaches, some made me re-evaluate.   Now I am with 2013 and I’m trying my best to look forward with joy and composure. There is no such thing as eternal happiness. But I do wish I will have more chances to experience life with lots of happy moments and a sense of fulfillment. I’ll try my best to love myself more — something I didn’t do all these years. Because only through complete inner healing will I be able to give more of myself to others. All those dreams and hopes have been planted in my heart for a reason. All I need is faith and courage to bring me a step closer.

 

What do you want?

What do you like? What is it that you want?

It is, honestly, a question that is not easy for me to answer. I didn’t really grew up being asked about what I like and getting them in return.  That’s something I can only witness among cousins and classmates coming from financially stable families. Choosing what I like has always been limited to what my parents can afford. And so I learned to really not think about what I really, really like because chances are, I’m not going to have them anyway. I must always comfort myself with all the wisdom available out there as to why it is “not so bad” not always having what you want. So from the most superficial stuffs like toys, shoes, clothes, leisure to something serious like deciding on a future — a college degree, to a job and yes, even finding love — I seem to succeed doing a poor performance in identifying what I really, really want and going after them. Deep inside me is this pre-recorded reminder why it is something I can’t have or why it is impossible to achieve. I’m just not worthy of the things or someone I like compared with others. So I settled for something that seem to gain acceptance and maybe recognition from those around me.

I settled for less.

I didn’t even bother to think about the things I probably deserve and why is it worthwhile pursuing those things I wanted. Even if I did, those pre-recorded reasonings are stronger. It kept stabbing my reawakened hopes, allowed my optimism to bleed only to cure it later with words of wisdom that seem to match the situation.

And so here I am — in a blind alley. My life, to outsiders, seem colorful, enriched and fully blessed.

My life, to my inner self, is void and empty.

There is something I wanted. There is someone I wanted badly. But my pre-recorded reasoning is always ahead in time — I haven’t even started hoping and it’s already in action killing them one by one. Until nothing is left but loneliness and self-pity and yes, eventually me going back to what they say is “reality”, correct logical thinking and doing what is most probably morally correct in the eyes of those around me.

I’m such a worthless soul.

That silent push

Baby boom.

I don’t really have anything against babies. It’s just that all I’m seeing mostly in social networks are either photos of someone’s pregnant wife, a new born child being “photo-documented” almost everyday or a status announcement of someone I know being pregnant or about to give birth.

I suppose it’s not that different for those who are still single and searching out there being confronted everyday with friends and acquaintances announcing their engagement, upcoming wedding, pre-nups and shouting to the world how lucky they are for finding their one-true-love.

Social pressures.

A silent push…forcing you to take a good look at your status, at your own life, to look within you and unwillingly compare how you’re catching up with those belonging to the same generation–or worse, the generation younger than yours.

My nose has to cringe a bit–for a poor performance well done. I’m not sure if I want to catch up, but yes, that silent force is out there shouting somewhere.

I think no matter how cute they are — babies are, at the moment, considered my enemies.